Why is it so easy for men to step away from their responsibility of being a husband and father or male role model to others? We look at this from a Christian viewpoint as well as how to be a leader and steps to create an effective weekly date night. Michael Baker of The Sedated Man Podcast.
Where has the strong male role model gone? What factors are contributing to men checking out of their family and being sedated?
Sedated: being absent to your role as a father and spouse or even a mentor to others. Someone who would rather play video games or stay in the shop than help around the house and parent.
What role does society and feminism play in the change of the male leadership? Why are the guys not stepping up to their role that God has meant for them to do.
Are males too aggressive in the way they talk, interact etc? Are men the reason why woman have the inequality the media talks about?
Why is it so easy for men to step away? What causes them to be driven?
If you look politically on a local level, congregations of churches… the civility between each other has gotten lower and our differences drive a wedge… why is that?
Leadership: what can you do to show leadership in the family? Does it mean “my way or the highway” or something completely different? Does it have to be complicated?
Blended families are more common than ever, how do you show male role model leadership in that setting? When you only see your kids on the weekend and your kids are at the age where they don’t want to spend time with you, now what?
Millennials get a bad rap for being lazy, but he says when they are passionate about something – they get super productive. Is the problem that the parents haven’t taught them how to be driven to that passion, maybe helicopter parenting not training the kids well enough?
Why don’t boys have more rituals to manhood?
Is average and mediocre in all areas of life, ok?
Christian men are obligated to Lead, Serve and to See the future through for our kids. Show them there is something more to do than this world and that they can do even more than you did.
What benefits are there to guys getting together to hang out? Does it have to be hugs and tears, can it be BBQ and the game but what also can be missing? How do male role models let their guard down and share what’s on their mind to have accountability?
Christian men and ethical business practices. Being that he was in the military for so long, what is the term TWO-fers mean?
Date night has so many important results, not only for the woman but also for the man. Mr. Baker goes through several ways to start doing a date night as well as the logistical side of it. Remember to Engage with conversation and don’t make excuses to skip a date each week. If you haven’t talked much or dated in 10 years, expect a certain time frame of bad dates and awkwardness.
Mark Gungor – Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage (or DVD)
T. Colin Campbell The China Study – food ideas
Find out more at The Sedated Man It’s on all podcast apps.
Emerson Eggerichs Love and Respect
Micahel Baker of The Sedated Man from Montana. He is a 24 year national guard solider, raised 5 boys and is in a blended family.
Show notes can be found at www.adoctorsperspective.net/84 here you can also find links to things mentioned and a complete transcript.
Justin Trosclair 0:02
Episode 84 absentee male role models. I'm your host, Dr. Justin trust Clara and today we're Michael Baker's perspective.
Join 2017 podcast Awards Nominated host, Dr. Justin Foursquare, as he gets a rare to see, look into the special season, all types of doctors and guess plus marketing, travel tips,
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Justin Trosclair 0:27
Let's hear a doctor's perspective.
Welcome back to the show, middle of the summer. Hey, today's show, I want to give a little disclaimer, just to remember, my opinion is not always the same as the guests opinion, just in case the first part of the interview gets triggered. And on this week, I figured it's good time to say it because we have a guest today who has his own podcast about being a Christian man. And I always have a part of the episodes about relationships and being a good foundation, a good father, parent, whatever, won't have come on, and just kind of talk about what guys can do to step up in their family. And to be a better husband to be a better father, especially these days are so many dads that are either absent, you know, divorced, and you just can't see your kids as much as you want. So what can you do about that? I definitely feel like we have a calling to tutor spouses to treat our kids and a treat other people a certain way. And of course, we don't always succeed in that. But what's your goal? Right? So you know, on the show, we like to highlight that part, I guess part of the controversy is the statements about like, progressive feminism, and what that does to two men and how men are just kind of like not stepping up to the plate, like we used to, you know, we're not saying twist in Scripture, because, you know, some people have heard sermons in the past from bad, bad preaching, where the like, on demand and, and you're a woman, so you gotta do what I say. And that is absolutely not at all, what we're talking about, we completely respect women, we completely respect wives on this show, both think that is foolish, a very bad twisting of the Scripture. So that's why the whole life disclaimer type of thing. So that is not where we're coming from with that is just a matter of minutes stepping up to the plate. And we think we can do better as fathers, husbands as business owners, then we offer like solutions, with ideas. You know, we respect women completely. We think that you know, if one wants to stay at home, stay at home, if you want to work work. And we both agree that whether woman works, or if he stays at home, she has so much value to offer. We should be respecting her and honoring her honor our kids and being involved with their lives not retreating to the garage or going play video games are ignoring. And then later an interview. How do you become a leader in your family? Especially if you weren't before? What does being need to look like? What are some steps that you can do the show and to get re engaged with your family? If you're not, and you're kind of are absent? What can you do to reintroduce yourself and also how to have like a date night? You know, if you want a strong marriage, you got to start somewhere. So we kind of, you know, he goes through? What can you do? And we bounce ideas back and forth. So that if you're starting from nothing, after 10 years of marriage, how do you start? Where do you go from there? How do you become a leader in your family? So Oh, that might be another country first thing should have man be a leader in the family. So I hope you enjoyed the episode, doctor's perspective, net slash 84. That's go hashtag behind the curtain.
From China, the Montana 24 years National Guard retiree, a man who's raised five boys and a blended family, a guy who just started a podcast 20 something episodes at this point called the sedated man. His name is Michael Baker.
Welcome to the show. Thank you, I appreciate it very much.
Justin Trosclair 3:50
Totally will look Sunday didn't mean it is a Christian based podcast, it is about becoming a man. But instead of me talking about it, give us a little introduction as to why you created this. What do you seen, and then we'll from there, we'll just jump into some some questions and flesh it out a little bit more. Okay, especially for like a doctor based on.
The sedated man was a brainchild I had, mainly because I've noticed over the years, how many men within congregations and I don't just mean any one congregation, I mean, congregations worldwide, especially in the US, though, they, they feel like they're under such attack anymore by culture that they kind of hide. And as a result, the wives end up having to step up. The kids are somewhat disconnected. And so they sedate. Whether that's sedation be pornography, whether it be Netflix, whether it be food, whether it be alcohol, whether it be I mean, take your pick, Sedation is everywhere. And and unfortunately, some people will put one sedation over another but with men, it's damaging, because spiritually speaking, men were made to lead now that would probably alert a lot of people that you were being unfair. I'm not saying that I'm saying that's just their job. That's what the Lord gave them to do. And when they sedate, things fall apart, families fall apart, there's more blended families now than ever before. I mean, you know, sacredness begins to crumble. And so the whole idea behind the sedated man is to start to build a movement that will give these guys value and help them to step up not only in society, but within their, their families, and ultimately, will not ultimately per se, ultimately within their families, but also within their own congregations so that people can so that things can come back to a balance the balance the Lord intended,
Justin Trosclair 5:37
when you say the data, so in other words, it's more of like, are distractions where you could be playing with your kids or spend time with your wife. But instead, like you said, You're watching Netflix, or you know, or the disappearing, maybe just playing in the yard disappearing in the shop all the time. Okay. Now, I guess the chicken or the egg came first was the guy trying to lead and then just kind of got didn't do a good job. And it was put down by his wife and decided to like, I just I just quit, I can't I can't win with her. Or is it more like they just maybe didn't learn to begin with and their spouse maybe is taking the reins and just like, well, she's taking the reins, you're doing a good job, I guess I'll just are they just scared to step up and lead the family like, Hey, you discipline your kids a little bit more you need to, you know, maybe you don't like the way somebody you know, the way that everything goes parenting wisely, we need to step up and parent better, like put foot down and say, hey, let's have a conversation about how this is going on. Like was some of the examples here.
You know, if you look way back, I mean, on the farm, I mean, Dad was their dad was leading. Now, granted, that was quite a while ago, but the family was together and they work together. And then you had the Industrial Revolution, where people started to move towards cities. All right, now dad was gone a lot. And he couldn't necessarily take the kids with him like he could on the farm. And then you take it another step further, and the now the women are being taken out of the home, so that they can work as well. And so you see the slow over, historically speaking, you see the slow breakdown of the family. So they always joke about how Rome became entertainment based? Well, in a sense, men have become entertainment base, because because the attack on them, so there's so many things available to them now for them to mentally check out. And I'm not talking about just a break. not talking about just take five, you know, go look at your phone and cool off. I'm talking about their you know, whether it be sports, whether it be Netflix, like that list, I just went down. So they were able to more or they are more able to easily move away from their responsibilities in the family. Now you got a culture on top of that saying, hey, masculinity is aggressive and aggressive is not okay. Then you have the feminist movement coming in and saying, men need to step down, and we need equal rights. But the problem with that is, things become so equal that now nobody's unique. So, men began to slowly step down from there, culture says they're not okay. women say they're not okay. And they begin to feel not okay, they begin to feel inferior. And so a lot of them will step back. And as a result, the wives will have to pick up the reins, not necessarily because they're feminists are because they want control. But because the husband's not taking control. Because he's and I don't mean that in a dictatorship way, I just mean, he is not stepping up to the responsibilities that God gave him within his own household. And as a result, you then have a breakdown in the marriage, then have a breakdown with the kids, you then have a breakdown within the congregations. And you've got guys, I mean, the word the term whip didn't just come up. men, men are now act and whipped. They're acting as though they're, you know, they're little bit puppies, and they got to sit in the corner, because they don't dare say anything. Because Because culture says, You are not okay. You need to take your behavior somewhere else. And you need to let these other people make your choices, because aggression is not okay, this that makes sense. Kind of
Justin Trosclair 9:02
flesh that out a little bit. We're totally fine. I'm assuming I'm going to assume here and women, women can work it, we expect them to work, it's fine. nobody's saying don't work. nobody's saying you don't deserve to equal pay, and equal time off. And qualifications are the same. Like you should get the same job, you should be able to get promoted to CEO and CFO and all these different positions. We're not saying that's a bad thing. But what we're saying is a men come home from work, they are being kind of pressured to not be maybe as know roughhouse with the kids so much. Or maybe they were raised. You don't do the dishes, you don't cook it you don't clean and they're keeping that going. And our men not stepping up and say, Hey, you know what, you worked 40 hours this week, I worked 40 hours this week is not right, that you're doing all the dishes and you're doing all the cooking, like, what am I doing? What's the man? What is he doing? If you're out there not doing anything, it's time to step back up and like be a part of the house like it's not heard
it I was younger, the guy who does laugh your way to a better marriage, which is a system that I use when we're counseling couples. He said it best he said, when a guy comes home from work, he plops himself on the couch. And he figures you know, I've been at work all day. So that's like 10,000 points, you know, and he got himself up, that's another thousand points drug drug himself off to work on. So he'll plop himself on the couch at the end of the day was like 12,000 points. And and think, and think I want you to catch up now to the wife, you know, whereas the wife, you know, she's got a totally different scoring system where it's, well, he went to work, that's a point. And he drove, you know, I got up and good attitude. That's another point. He worked all day. There's a point so, so she's looking at him sitting on the couch, he's got like, three points. But he figures 12,000, because the point system is completely different. So what I'm talking about when it comes to men in general is and remember, we're talking scriptural men. When a man leads a household, that means, ultimately, he serves Christ was the leader, and he was a servant leader. Men are servant leaders. I mean, it's very, I'll give you an example. For me, it's been very important over the years, that, that I not drive a nicer car than my wife. Now, I don't say that because it was a standard. I say that because I wanted to make sure that she always had the best vehicle that we had. Because she had to cart the kids around. Now, my, my wife was a stay at home mom. And because she wanted to be, and I worked two and three, and sometimes for jobs to make that happen. So the point was, is Yeah, I lead, kids saw the example of sacrifice. My kids saw the example of dad getting things done, my kids saw the example of my family comes first. You know, for instance, my wife and I've been taken date nights from the very beginning, once a week. So they saw that mom was important. All of those things were leadership qualities that I showed my boys, but they were all in servant mode. So is equality and issue? Well, you know, equality in this sense, isn't really an issue in the fact that she can can women work? Yeah. Can men work? Yeah. Should they be equal day? Yeah. But to be perfectly honest, I don't think it's this this huge inequality that they're talking about in the feminine. This movement. It's every woman I've ever known who wanted something went and got it. And there was no equality issue. Any man I ever knew who really wanted something went and got it. It was those unique aspects of them that allowed them to go get it that now the the feminist movement, just as an example, completely tears that it doesn't just build women up it completely tears men down the problem with everything. Okay.
Justin Trosclair 12:31
Yeah, give me give me an example. Because I know like, I'm a woman hater. No, not a woman hater at all misconstrued, or it could be seen as like, Oh my gosh, this is the problem that we have. Yeah, yeah, I like it. So exactly what I'm trying to like, absolutely kind of know where you're kind of coming from as far as like, in a biblical sense of men. You need to treat your wives like amazing. Like you don't you treat her right. You talked to her, right, you show your kids that you treat her good. And you you don't put her down and whatever she wants to conference like, chicken accomplishment. And then I have heard, you know, like, you know, the men but give me I guess an example of a way of guys kind of told them mellow out
how guys are told him. Hello. Okay. I recently saw. I wish I think it was CNBC. I recently I recently saw an interview with a gal who was part of the feminist movement who wanted to eliminate vocabulary that had any masculine words. Yeah, I've heard of that. She wanted to. Yeah, she wanted to eliminate anything because it showed aggression and anything that was male sounding, needed to be eliminated, because men were the problem. Now, this is something I've heard consistently, is that men are the problem men are the reason that women are treated the same men are the reason that women don't get equal pay men are the reason. And so. So I apologize if I'm not making it clear. But the the whole, and I was just using the feminist movement is an example. So you've got the feminist movement, saying men are not okay. Men are the
Justin Trosclair 14:00
fringe group, though, would you say? Like that's a pretty a pretty big umbrella. I'm guessing there's a
majority of women who claim to be feminists that I've run into actually have that view. I had a gal Look at me once and and call me a chauvinist because my wife stayed home. And that was it. And so I picked up a phone and I held the door. I said, Why don't you call my wife and ask her what she thinks about that? Yeah. Because my wife, my wife is anti feminist as well, not because she's not a strong woman. My wife is a very strong woman. It's because she does not see it as productive for women, because it tears down because the feminist movement as it as a whole that she feels, and a lot of other women I know feel, it tears women down by completely trying to destroy the male influence. So without getting too far off track, yeah, sorry, sorry. So no, no, no, you're fine. So the whole idea in this is, men are stepping away, because a, it's become easy for him to step away. And if men are given five minister themselves, they don't typically work unless they're driven. Okay. So the Lord set that up as them to be the leader of the house, because that was their job. Now, the woman was the helper. Yes, that's what Scripture says. Does that mean that she was a lesser? Absolutely not. Scripture says she's a fellow air, right, she's equal, she simply has a different role. That doesn't make her less important. I mean, she's tremendously important. And if that guy knows exactly, because marriage is a representation of Christ and the bride, so that's what the marriage signifies. So with that, as men step away, that model becomes less and less within the house. And when it breaks down in the house, it breaks down in the congregations. And so what you have now, I guess, you could say, is a huge issue with convenience and division, you've got it's very convenient to stay connected with people while not actually talking to them. And the division becomes even deeper all the time, because you have all of this convenience that allows you to just throw opinions out there, without having to actually be accountable for them in person, if that makes sense. So whereas I could be a different denomination than another guy before he that guy and I could talk about our differences, and probably still be friends. These days. If we were to have the same discussion, we would probably leave angry and never talked to one another again, because the division is so deep, not just between the congregation's but culturally speaking. So the whole idea behind the sedated man is to bring them back up. Not necessarily to power but to the position that the Lord set for them so that they can begin to lead in their congregations and their families again. So I mean, you know, the whole reason people, people talk about how frustrated they are with their counties and their and their districts and their states, but they don't do anything about it. And as leadership begins to erode within and the family and the congregation's, well, people of faith have nothing to complain about, because then they become the problem, because there's nobody to step into those roles. Some have some ideas of ones that make sense.
Justin Trosclair 17:10
other guests, you know, a few more guests. And that was asked him about the, the the struggle of I mean, a working mom was a stay at home mom. And you know, they used to be a big fight, you know, you're not doing enough. Like, why would you just stay home and all that kind of stuff. And, and I think there's a little bit more unity there. There's still some bigger and I think but overall, it's getting better there. Which is great. And because I was Yeah, I don't think I can stay home with my kids all day. I don't think I don't think I could do it. I mean, I don't have a kid yet. It's coming. But uh, you know, when I'm, when I'm hanging out with my nieces and stuff, I'm like, Yeah, I don't know, if I know, three hours a day for five years,
or 12 hours a day, kind of st eight hours, you can just check out. But then the second one I've heard in the churches because there's was what was it? men, men of faith was popular for a while. And then like, I think the Boy Scouts may have actually be was formed to begin with as a church thing. Or it was the YMCA, it was a way to bring up men to remember the skills that you used to have and, and what I've come sometimes from the from a church setting is mentioned have like a men's group. But what you find out is a lot of these men don't want to show up to the actual men's group to talk about stuff in a men's viewpoint. And then leading doesn't have to be like, as difficult as I think as we try to make it like it can be as simple as Hey, the church has some kind of event on a Sunday afternoon. Maybe you need to put the chairs up, you know, get out there go literally put the chairs up, bring them back down, clean off the tables, it doesn't
have to be like, Oh, I'm gonna have to volunteer. Absolutely. You're absolutely right. Hey,
Justin Trosclair 18:41
but if you do think you have that ability, and you're not teaching to teach, or try a little bit. I mean, I don't know what people think sometimes when I think leader, I have to lead the family, like what does that look like? Well, it could just mean maybe you teach your kids how to cut the grass or something or like, let's go we need together and you just doing stuff together with them? Know that we do. But we Dean a flower hard? I don't know. Is that is that something that you can do to show leadership in your family? Yeah,
yeah. Well, yeah, those are all I mean, every small thing adds up to bigger things. You know, but these, but yeah, but a lot of these guys aren't even doing that. I mean, how many disconnected families to meet anymore?
Justin Trosclair 19:17
How many are divorced, they don't even an alert. I can imagine a horse horse. You only see your kids on the weekend. And then your kids start to get them teenagers. They don't want to hang out with you. And you're like, well, this is my weekend, we have to hang out and like, Yeah, but my buddy's got a party, and bowling and in those things like, wow, even my own time with my kids, I don't even get in half the day they're sleeping another half, they want to go hang out. So I give up. Right? And exactly you could do is like give up hanging out with your kids? I would think,
yeah, the number, the number of blended families nowadays, like and like you said, we're a blended family, the number of blended families these days is tremendous. And it's only getting bigger, you know, and and you're right. I mean, you know, what happens when all of the live separate within the house is, you know, convenience and division just goes to the nth degree on that. And then not only like you were saying not only to the kids not want to hang with dad, because he's not cool, and probably not real present, right? Well, Dad figures, well, if they don't want anything to do with me, I'm going to go have my own life. And then when the kids do need him, he's busy. Yeah. Yeah. So But no, all those little things that you're talking about are exactly exactly what I'm talking. That's where it starts. I mean, if you want somebody to lead in a leadership role within the church, say, all right, do you want the guy who's out there, putting up chairs to help with the leadership? Or do you want the guy who sits down and watches everybody put up chairs and leadership? You know, those are all and as a soldier for 24 years, that was one thing I was huge on. And this isn't a pat myself on the back thing. It's just something that was very important to me, I never asked my soldiers to do anything that I wouldn't go out and do either first or with them. So I would pick up a broom as leadership and I'd start sweeping and my soldiers would come over and ask me started, please give me the job. You're making me look bad. And I did that. I did that on purpose. You know, because I wanted to see which ones were paying attention. And they knew I was always watching them. So So yeah, I mean, you know, it gets right back down to the roots. These guys, you know, how many of them teach your kids how to add? How many of them teach them? You know, I can give you example, upon example of just people I know, just in my area, where you see the kids sitting on their phones, and mom and dad are doing all the work. All right. Well, a there's no, there's no teamwork in mom and dad's area. All right, just because they're working together to get something done. does not mean there's teamwork in the marriage. Because if there was teamwork in the marriage, those kids would be right in the thick of it as well. So you got that breakdown. Now you've got I mean, you know, people like to complain about the millennials. Now. Sure, I, you know, do they frustrate me sometimes? Yeah, they frustrate me. Sometimes I would be lying. If I said they didn't. However, I can see their potential, I can see that if they find something. They're passionate about the drive towards it. like there's no tomorrow. However, part of the reason part of the reason they're waiting for that magic moment, is because mom and dad never trained them how to work towards the magic moment.
Okay, so when people say they're lazy, they're not lazy. They're untrained. From helicopter parent. Yeah. And a lot of that If dad If dad and right back to the city man thing, if dad were leading, he, you know, Dad points the nose of the ship.
And when that ships pointing in the right direction, trainings getting done, when dad sits there and just watches the wheel spin, you get issues where kids aren't trained, and the wife is frustrated. And then you've got two people and we've all seen it. How many times do you go to the restaurant you see to old people sitting in a booth, having dinner and you think to yourself, it's it's so cool that they've been married that long. And then you notice I haven't talked to each other and an hour,
Justin Trosclair 22:50
that's something as well,
no leadership. All right, guy didn't point the nose of the ship, you just let it wander. I was
Justin Trosclair 22:56
a part of church and I thought they were kind of cool with some of the things that they the way they taught and, and whatnot, because they were definitely like, you know, don't be using these Bible verses to think your wife is a lesser citizen. And, and one of the things they were talking about was, you know, for women, you got like a sweet 16 party, now you're a woman. But if it was you get like a bar mitzvah or something like that, and it shows that you're a man. And for a lot of boys, we just sort of don't have much to like, most families, there's not like a procedure like, you know, in part of where they were saying something was maybe we should have like a a milestone at 11 you should be able to change a tire or fill up the tire or change the oil or you know, you learn that would be excellent. You learn how to do stuff, like I guess that's what can like the Boy Scouts, I'm promoting the Boy Scouts, but I'm just saying like they have these Americans, these things that you're supposed to do, and it proves that you've done something and so like, but for men, and at some point saying hey, okay, you're 16 Let's go on a trip or camping trip or something. And you're gonna have to whatever, start a fire with me, there's gonna be certain rituals that we have to go through the prove that you have learned some life skills or whatever. And it's not just like, you lost your virginity, like, all right now you're a man or you turned 18 now you're a man, you know what that means? We have something a little bit more structured and more serious. And just like having a ceremony like to, to honor them for growing in a certain way and fulfilling certain roles that you might need in life. That just we don't you got it figured out on your own?
Yeah, let me let me tell you a quick just what the driving force behind this is really, I you know, I came up, dad, my dad told me that I was dumb every every day in my life until I moved out. And that's no exaggeration, right? So it was a strained relationship, to say the least he and I didn't get along to like the last two years before he died. And he can make up for 20 some years in two years. However, I was bound and determined my boys would never ever think that they were stupid. Okay. But with that, it's been my sincere belief that mankind is a whole operates at about 10% of what the Lord designed him to operate at. Okay? That that average has become has become Okay, that mediocre is like the new norm. And that is so not the model of Scripture. And if that's not the model of Scripture, it is not the male model, especially if he is supposed to lead his household. Because if a man leaves his household properly, his name will be remembered for generations within that name, not simply done at the grandkids. So So if mankind is a whole is wasting all that potential Christian men have even less of an excuse, they are we are obligated, absolutely obligated, to lead to serve, and to see the future through for our kids not do the future through for our kids, but see the future through for our kids, you don't like the future, then step up and make a difference. Step up and prove to your kids that there's something worth doing and that they can do even more than you could do. And so ultimately, I that's where the core of this data man comes from is, these guys, they, they got to get off their phones that got to get off their couches, they got to get off their computers, and they need to engage the churches in desperate need of leadership. And these boys, this next generation, I'm telling you, all of my son's know how to work, and I'm not gonna I'm not gonna lie, I was hard on the boys, I love them. I didn't want them to not have a good work ethic, I wanted to work ethic. And every one of the boys is known for their work, work ethic. But the next the next their generation, even my sons are like, Oh my gosh, I don't even know what to do with these guys. But it's, it's got to happen. That's the only way the pendulum will swing away from all of this, all of this non unique equality, back to where a person can truly be unique again, and everybody can be okay with it.
Justin Trosclair 26:49
You know, I, I guess two comments. I think sometimes Christians get in trouble being judged judgmental, because we judge people who aren't Christian with the same measuring stick. To me, I'm just like, well, that's kind of a backwards kind of way to look at it. Because if they don't actually believe what you believe, when there's a weird and the right, like, why would you know, they might be like, well, I want to be a good father. But you know, I'm not saying like, you know, I'm definitely not saying if you don't have God, then you're like, you know, you don't have morals. I'm not saying that at all. But there's there's some weird things like somebody strikes, you turn the other cheek type of thing and don't go after somebody. And you know, some people going to just figure that out on their own, like, nothing really good. Can you want to punch that other guy in the face? But I just walked away? It have been better. You know what I mean? Yeah. So yeah, you shouldn't you can't really judge somebody like, oh, you're, I don't know, you got three kids out of wedlock. Okay. I mean, if you're not Christian, like, that's your choice. Like, I'm not really going to come down on you about it. Really, because you don't, you don't live in the same realm as I do. But like, you know, if you're confessing Jesus, as you got three kids, well, you know, that's the easiest example. I mean, that's, that's just the obvious, the obvious. I mean, lots of us have sins that we just don't have to show and they're not as perfect. It's right. Anyway, I mean, you know, we shouldn't lie, but I'm sure we still do. And so, you know, that's wrong as well. You can comment on that, or we can move on to Is there like a benefit to guys hanging out with each other? I think, guys look at that, like Kumbaya, we got to, like, hug each other and cry out our feelings, or can we just go shoot a bow and arrows and drink a beer and
talking about God? They don't have a no that's an excellent point. Okay, yeah. So another example only an example I'm not knocking anybody that watches these movies All right, I'm just this is this is my, my thing with these movies. But a lot of Christian movies that are out today, I have trouble watching because they they portray Christian men as these we be weak, you know, fluffy, fluffy bunny, kind of guys. And that is not scripture. So and I'm sorry, but I'm not a fluffy bunny kind of guy. So but you're right, you know, they everybody pictures it is this Kumbaya. You know, you go live in your little commune and go to church on Sunday and type of thing when No, you're right. It's, you know, should guys hang out with guys guys should absolutely hang out with guys. I mean, you're getting more and more Christians who are more lone wolf than not. And the reason is, is they haven't found a tribe, because the tribe is dispersed because the tribe is afraid to gather together in one spot right now. So but those tribes need to come back together. Men need to get together. I just went on a men and sons canoe trip. Now, I've missed a lot of things through my military, you know, my military career and my civilian career. And this was the first canoe trip I was able to go on. It was with my 17 year old son who is our last son in the house. And I was afraid to be perfectly honest, I've never canoed Oh 48 years old, 14 years old, I have never canoed and we were on high water, the water, I mean, we had a lot of moisture, the rivers are high. And, you know, there's 12 boats, noon is a fight
Justin Trosclair 29:53
waiting to happen to it. Well,
this was a softer river, but I was a little, you know, I was a little I was and I told my son, you know, a this, this intimidates me a little bit, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna lie about it. And so when I got there, there were other men there. And you know, other boys and I was very straight up about a this scares me a little bit. I'm not gonna lie. Now, why is that important? Well, because it's important for guys to be able to say that, because my son looks at me as a tough guy. He's like, you know, one of his friends looked at me and said, I'm a little surprised that you're afraid to do this. And I said, Why? Because you thought I wasn't afraid to anything. He says, Well, yeah. I said, Nope. I said, you need to know the truth. There are things that scare me. And that is what's important. It's important that men, Christian men, especially, I mean, the sedated man is aimed at at a Christian men, or God fearing men who are 35 to 55. And the whole idea is that bonding that is missing needs to begin to happen again. It's it's okay to share things with your buddies. It's okay to get together and have a barbecue. Yeah, it's okay to get together and roughhouse. Those are all things the Lord built into us. I mean, men are essentially physical. You know, I mean, we like to roughhouse, we like things that make loud noises. We, we we find humor in bodily noises. I mean, take your pick. That's the way the Lord designed us. And it's okay. But yeah, no, you're absolutely right. Men should spend time with men. It's part of what helps us to be who we are.
Justin Trosclair 31:18
When we see men in business. You know, some guys are like, one of my work is one thing, but when I go home, or one of my church, it's a different. And, you know, you get this a stereotype. You're like, Yeah, he's a great guy. But I wouldn't hire him to put my mouth.
I got I'll take your word. That's a problem, right? Like, there should be some congruency there. I'm not saying you can't be rich, and Christian by any means, because you can definitely do everything ethically and honestly, but sometimes there's like a disconnect. You have any words? Yeah,
we call them in the army, we call them to first were to do first where you got two for the price of one. Okay. I mean, you know, I've been to Iraq twice. And it always amazed me that when a guy thought he was halfway around the world, he was a totally different guy. Totally different guy. This guy would swear a blue streak, like a sailor smoke cigars all day, all things that he knew his wife wasn't okay with. Now. Now, one thing I will say is there's anytime, not anytime, I shouldn't say that. A lot of the times that we would get guys, you know, leadership that were either officers or NGOs who were upper leadership, and they were very difficult to deal with. Almost consecutively across the board. They were henpecked at home, because we would see them with their wife and wife would I mean, Boss them around? I mean, she was she was most definitely in charge of the family. And he was very much when she was around. Yes, dear. Yes, dear. Yes, dear. As soon as she left, he was difficult. Right. Okay. Yeah, he took all that out on his soldiers. So but we got those two first. And, and I could never understand. I mean, I would be willing to bet that when we got back as a National Guard unit, the first deployment that they were divorce rate was probably between 70 and 80%. Hey, you trying to change a habit real quick? Yeah, yeah. Because now they got to switch back and forth. The problem is, is that they, you know, they've been hanging with such and such smoking cigars. And he happened to mention his wife this, and then that wife at home happened to mention to somebody else who mentioned to the other, and it's just this big, ugly circle, which was why it was very important to me that the guys who knew me and I, and I rack I was the same surgeon, Baker and Iraq that I was at home. I didn't want any of that. I mean, halfway around the world may as well have been it was only a phone call away. You were just as close really, as you were when you were at home.
Justin Trosclair 33:37
When these days to you've got social media. And oh, yeah. Some people are stronger, and they're the leaders. But most people don't lead. people that listen to this podcast potentially could be like, everything you're saying is a bunch of dumb, yeah. Because I'm a leader, I hang out with my father, my kids, I'm, again, because that might be the target audience that we're looking for people that are looking to turn their life around our head. But most people aren't leaders, they're looking to just Just tell me what to do. And I'll do it, or just kind of status quo. And so we're easily influenced liquid kids. You're hanging out with the bad seeds. What happens? You hanging out with the kids that study? What happens? The
Bad Company kind of blend? Yeah,
Justin Trosclair 34:17
I mean, I guess
that's true. I mean, opening girls good morals. That's always been true. Yeah.
Justin Trosclair 34:21
Yeah, to a degree. I mean, at some point, you might be really strong, and you can work your way out of it, and you pull yourself out of that situation. But I think for the most part, you're going to find yourself dipping your toes and something you probably wouldn't have done before you started hanging out with a new crew. Yeah,
exactly. Yeah, no, you're right.
Justin Trosclair 34:36
All right. As far as if your marriage status quo, and I think we might have already hit on it. But if it's status quo, and you're just kind of maybe you see the writing's on the wall, or you're just not happy you fighting all the time. Is there one thing is never just one thing, but is there like a behavior that you can start doing that? Even if she doesn't respond? Well, or the opposite? You know, she doesn't respond well, that you can still do. And you'll see changes in the relationship over some time if you just keep doing a consistent with some.
Yeah, words are x one thing? Yeah. date nights. I mean, you know, another, another huge problem with with men, as men, like I said, are very physically minded. Alright. So a lot of women don't understand that the way a man shows emotion to his wife is through the sexual act. All right. And so but the way a woman shows affection to her husband is not necessarily through the sexual act. But but the two, when you really look at it, the two actually complement each other very well. The problem is, is that if things like date nights don't happen, there's no work going on in the relationship. And you'll ultimately end up with a sexless marriage, which is a huge problem within churches,
Justin Trosclair 35:48
and she's emotionally empty,
emotionally empty. There's no sex within the relationship, which is not scriptural. I might add, you know, there's no, there's no closeness and this is why marriages of 28 and 29 and 30 and 35 years suddenly divorce Well, why they divorced, they were married 28 years. Well, because they never worked on the relationship. So if there was one thing I could, I could say it's it's date nights. I mean, they help get the ball rolling. And, and don't hold back when you're talking to your spouse. The whole idea behind date night, it doesn't have to be this big, elaborate affair. Go to dinner, but do it once a week. I mean, I really am adamant about the once a week do it once a week. Because you guys have your you have each other's undivided attention. You don't take phone calls. You don't take kids. You don't do it at home, you get out you go somewhere else. and engage actually listened to her. And and yeah, and, and talk back. That usually helps. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's not an answer. Okay.
Don't pretend to listen. All right, don't check out and make it sound like you're actually listening, engage, pay attention to what she's eating, pay attention to the place that she likes to go. One of the things my wife and I do is we alternate and who picks to go on date night so that we're not always going to the one place that you know, somebody else doesn't want to. And there's a lot of people I understand, you know, they can't afford to go out once a week. But let me tell you what you can do. You can afford coffee, once a week, you can afford an ice cream cone once a week, you can afford easily you can afford it was gonna say you can even afford to walk down Main Street and window shop. My wife and I in the very beginning when we were very low income. We go walk through Walmart, not super exciting, do what you gotta do. But exactly, but it gave us time together away from the kids where we could just disconnect,
Justin Trosclair 37:35
you can future cast there to like, Oh, thank you, hey, wouldn't it be great if we could afford
exactly we made huge plans on what we do with our futures? I mean, you know, and so my wife and I are best friends, we could be around each other all day, every day, and it wouldn't bother us.
Justin Trosclair 37:49
Now, here's the thing to they gotta have ground rules. If you are someone who knows if, when we get alone, but 10 minutes into it, it's going to turn into a laundry list of complaints while laundry list of things that we need to do or you're not doing. And it could go both ways. So you almost have to like say, highlight ground rules or like a safety word, or something to where you can reset.
Your being an admin person. Yeah. And you're shutting down and Being Annoying, or whatever, like you have a set time in that first 10 minutes of this date is going to be business about the kids business about a relationship. Other than that, it's only positive. And if it sucks, it sucks, but will get used to this feeling and it'll it'll grow after a while because the first couple of times they're probably gonna be horrible if you're not used to it
if you just awkward especially if you're not, especially if you're not talking much. Yeah, super awkward. But I'm telling you right now, people they want to give up after to it they're like two or three times or like it didn't work. And people are so many especially we are so short on attention span and patients for things we want it to work in today's day and age. Yeah, we want it to work right now. Okay, date night, if you guys have had been married 10 years, and now you're going to do too. Okay, we're going to give this date night thing a shot. And two weeks into it. You're like, this is stupid. No, you're stupid. Okay, get back in there and go until it starts working. That's what you do. You don't just quit? Well, it's not gonna work. No, you're not working and change with.
Justin Trosclair 39:15
My thing is you got to be creative. Like you could probably Google at this point. 50 low cost date nights. We are the first ones to talk about this. So you could probably find Oh, go kayak, go through the softball together because it doesn't have to be always talking and all this conservatives guys bond by doing I think they said there's only a girl can flirt with a guy is oh, let them teach you how to do something like tennis. Yeah, you might already know how to play tennis. But like, he'll appreciate trying to teach you something. And especially like athletic. So y'all could do that as well. Like, especially if you're like, well, this day, we're going to do your thing next week. It's my thing. And exactly, just trying to figure out guys, like meet each other where you know, you're happy. You might have to quote with her. No, you don't like scrapbooking that is if that's still a thing, but maybe you scrapbook with it yet.
Yeah. But you don't have to do it all the time. You know, just give her that give her that couple hours. I mean, how hard is it? Yeah, you know, I mean, but just remember that a status quo marriage is not a scriptural marriage. Average average was never average was never okay with Jesus, if average was okay with Jesus, he would have been average The only thing average about Jesus was away looked at even that they said was that was kind of ugly. Yeah,
Justin Trosclair 40:22
whatever that means. Go big or go home.
My goodness, Hey, man, do you happen to have besides the Bible?
know, any books or maybe a version of the Bible, you might have like, Oh, I really like this version, or whatever, like a book, our guide book of some sort that people can go through together as a couple like you're stepping on my air hose was that one even heard that one before?
It was love and respect, I would say
that's the one. I've heard of that one. I haven't read that one. Let's see the version of the version of the Bible I uses the New American Standard. So there's one is one I would highly suggest isn't a book. But it is something I would suggest every family or every married couple go through and that's what I mentioned earlier by Mark younger that's the laugh your way to a better marriage. By and far one of the best couples counselor and they can sit down with those DVDs themselves, you know, or an introduce them to others. We use them all the time. We've had a couple that we've counseled, actually use those go buy those DVDs and counsel other couple. Which, which was awesome. All right.
One book that I would highly suggest and you're going to laugh at me, and but give me a second to explain it. Is The China Study. Okay, have you heard of that book, most?
Study, if I understand correctly, it's one of the most comprehensive studies on food and how it affects the body there is see sedation, although I'm talking about Christian men, and I'm talking about how things are are sedation. There's there other things happening inside the body that men need to be aware of two and a lot of its food, a lot of its alcohol, a lot of its you know coffee, a lot of its things like that. And on the YouTube channel, I I have some some health things that I deal with specifically. And so I've been kind of keeping my walk on what's going on on my YouTube channel. But it's amazing to me how many things through studying health, my wife and I have been able to come together on which have ultimately helped shape other parts of our lives as well and introduced us to things we would have never been introduced to before you're expanding your horizons and your food choices and your exact but we're expanding them together. And not in weird ways, with things that actually make a difference. So but The China Study, I think is I mean, it is really shaped a lot of how I've had to do my diet. And ultimately, you know, the places we can go for dinner and the things we do talk about and and she has, she has a blog. And so maybe we're going to take this avenue because we've discovered this in doing these other things. I mean, it's just it's been very interesting. Very cool. And how can people find more information about you and what you're doing? The sedated man is my podcast. It's an anchor.fm. It's on iTunes. It's on Google. And it's on a few other podcast platforms I've never even heard of. I'm also on YouTube under the sedated man and I'm on Facebook and Instagram as the sedated man as well. Very good.
Justin Trosclair 43:19
Well, Sergeant Baker, or x Sergeant Baker, Sergeant or do they could put it put an X formerly known as Sergeant Baker.
No, not formerly known as just yeah. Not anymore as of Well, no, I take that back. I have I have a month till till it's done. But yeah,
Justin Trosclair 43:36
that's, that's a milestone.
Thank you for a long time coming.
Justin Trosclair 43:39
I know you solo episodes, trying to always find out information is not always the easiest, especially with the topics that you're covering. So wish you the best of luck for 2018
Thank you very much. I really appreciate the opportunity.
Justin Trosclair 43:54
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